Azerbaijan’s Peace Deal
Trump Announces “Historic” Peace Deal Between Azerbaijan and… Whoever Was Free on His Calendar
In a move that baffled diplomats but thrilled cable news producers, President Donald Trump announced this week that he had “single-handedly brokered the greatest peace deal in the history of the Caucasus region, maybe the world,” between Azerbaijan and—according to Trump—“some other country, possibly starts with an A, could be Armenia, could be Albania, could be Apple.”
Trump unveiled the agreement at a hastily organized press conference held at the grand opening of “Trump Links ‘the Franchise’ ” in Baku, a gold-plated hotel shaped vaguely like a falafel wrap.
“This is the first peace deal that was done under budget, ahead of schedule, and without any of those boring diplomats,” Trump declared, standing in front of a 40-foot banner reading “PEACE IS THE NEW GOLF.” “Azerbaijan called me, they said, ‘Sir, we love your buildings, we love your steaks, and we love how you pronounce our name in seven different ways.’ Nobody had ever gotten them to agree to anything before—except me.”
When pressed by reporters for details, Trump handed out souvenir menus from the hotel’s lobby restaurant. The “agreement” was printed on the back, sandwiched between a hummus sampler and the dessert list. Provisions included:
• “America will be entitled to 30% of Baku’s Oil reserves.”
• “Both sides agree to name a bridge after Trump, preferably gold.”
• “Any disputes will be settled by a best-of-three golf match, with Trump allowed mulligans as needed.”
Critics quickly pointed out that no one from the Armenian government appeared to have signed the document, which featured two large Trump signatures and what looked suspiciously like an autograph from Mike Lindell, the MyPillow CEO. “The important thing,” Trump said, “is the vibes. We have peace vibes now. That’s better than actual peace.”
The State Department has yet to comment, though one anonymous official described the deal as “somewhere between an off-brand Eurovision song and a HOA newsletter.”
Meanwhile, Azerbaijani officials appeared unsure how to proceed. One delegate admitted, “We thought we were just attending a ribbon-cutting for his hotel. Now apparently we’ve promised to give him a horse.”
Trump closed the press conference by announcing plans to broker “the next big peace deal—between New Jersey and Staten Island—probably bigger than anything Churchill ever did.”
