DOJ Fines The Daily Planet
Trump DOJ Fines Daily Planet $5 Million for “Fake News” After Superman Exposé
METROPOLIS — In a move critics are calling “constitutionally unhinged but somehow still on-brand,” former President Donald Trump announced today that The Daily Planet has been fined $5 million under a newly revived version of his “Fake News Accountability Initiative.”
“They’ve been writing hit pieces for years,” Trump said at a rally outside the fictional city’s courthouse. “Always something about Superman saving the day — no mention of me.”
The fine reportedly stems from a recent Daily Planet front-page exposé titled “Lex Luthor funds DOGE as well as Trump’s Campaign.” Trump called the article “deeply unfair,” “extremely fictional,” and “a total witch hunt orchestrated by cape-wearing Marxists.”
Trump also took aim at the Planet’s staff, singling out Clark Kent for what he called “a suspicious lack of transparency.”
“Let me tell you something about Clark Kent,” Trump said. “This guy has to stop defaming my political supporter and longtime American Business man, Lex Luthor.”
When asked about Lois Lane, Trump simply muttered, “She has critized me as much as Rosie O’Donnel,” and moved on.
Legal analysts are baffled by the move, citing the fact that The Daily Planet does not technically exist and that the entire premise hinges on prosecuting fictional characters under real defamation law. Nonetheless, Trump-appointed judges fast-tracked the case, citing “urgent national interest in stopping super-powered liberal bias.”
A spokesperson for Lex Luthor praised the fine, noting, “At least someone’s finally doing something about the biased coverage in this town. It’s always ‘Superman saves the day’ and never ‘LuthorCorp creates thousands of jobs and doesn’t use migrant Labor.’”
Superman was unavailable for comment, though his press team issued a statement saying he was “off-planet dealing with an actual crisis,” and would “return to ignore Donald Trump shortly.”
As of press time, Trump had also called for sanctions against The Gotham Gazette and Sesame Street News Hour, which he claims is run by “puppets with a socialist agenda.”
