FOX31 and 9News Merger

Chaos erupted at the Colorado State Capitol this week after news broke that 9News’ parent company had been sold to the same corporate overlords who own Fox31.

Democrats immediately condemned the merger, warning that Coloradans could soon be exposed to something far more dangerous than Canadian wildfire smoke or affordable housing : a newsroom where both sides of the story are heard.

“This is a democracy-ending catastrophe,” said one state lawmaker, dramatically clutching a latte. “What if a viewer watching Fox31 accidentally flips the channel to 9News and hears a slightly different take on a school board meeting? The backlash could be fatal.”

Experts warn the merger may lead to unpredictable outcomes, such as a weather forecast where the meteorologist blames snowstorms on both climate change and migrants in the same broadcast.

Meanwhile, corporate executives reassured Coloradans that the stations will remain separate and distinct. “9News will continue its commitment to investigative journalism (subtlety jabbing FOX),” and another spokesperson said. “And Fox31 will continue its commitment to blame floods and other natural disasters on Gavin Newsom.”

Republicans, for their part, welcomed the move, saying it would finally “balance the Denver media landscape,” which they described as roughly the “New York Post with better ski footage.”